As I wandered the internet last night I realized that there seems to be a large group of people that believe that my brother is the devil incarnate. I picture meetings in dark rooms that have huge telescopes/death rays. They all sit around a table either shaped like a circle or a skull and there are a lot of fingertips being steepled together. A chart of all my brother's vulnerable spots hangs in a corner and thousands of black and white pictures illustrate his every move.
Now I am easily swayed by pop culture and what is on the internet, so I now think that Frank is evil too (though when he is evil I like to call him Francis). Being his older sister I know him the best and just how evil he can be. Convincing the rest of the world may be hard since he has such a fan base, especially in San Diego. I think San Diego is letting it's guard down when it comes to Francis, but I don't think I will give them too much of a warning since being the sister of the Emperor of San Diego should help me get some good hotel prices when I decide to visit.

Reasons Francis is evil

1. He is direct competition for my parent's undying love and title of "Most Favorite Kid"
He is the only one of us four kids that hasn't gone insane at one point. I was the first one to drive my parents crazy but it's been almost 10 years since I did that and I have crawled my way back on top. For a while I was on top since I got All-American, but now enough time has past that bringing that up makes me sound like Al Bundy. Then I married a man that my parents approved up, but Dan has farted in front of them enough times that the thrill has worn off. Now I have Diana and having the only grandchild has helped to keep me on top, but Frank is getting great grades and is following in my Dad's footsteps by running under the same coach Dad did so right now we are neck and neck.

2.He is a better writer then me.
Being the oldest means I should always be the best at everything and being self conscious of my grammar is not cool. He doesn't even misspell on Instant Messenger! That is soooo evil.

3. He is taller then me.
In high school I was voted most athletic and I had football coaches helping me max out in the weight room. My siblings lived in a constant state of fear knowing that I could pummel them at anytime. Once Frank grew past me he lost the fear, now when I yell he just laughs and steals my hat. That bastard can run forever too......

4. He's a better driver then me.
When your husband says he would rather have Frank...I mean Francis...drive his car then you, well you HAVE to start planning his demise...what choice did I have?

Hopefully I have convinced you of just how evil he is and now we can move on to the next step, which is bringing him down. Not only do I know just how evil he is, but I also know his weaknesses! We can do this!

Francis' weaknesses

1. Bacon
There is something about this type of pork that just makes him weak. He will eat it in any form, regular, in a sandwich, even in chocolate! So when you go to take him down make sure to wear your bacon necklace....he's like a vampire but with higher cholesterol.

2. Commenting on comments
If you go to his blog and leave a comment he will always comment back. I think that JenBun has figured this weakness out. She took Francis on and the end result was 130 comments that went into the wee hours, leaving Francis tired and a little cranky. If you decide to take Francis down, recruit a sidekick that can be commenting on his blog during your battle so that he will have to continuously stop the fight and run to his computer.

3. Boobies
I don't think I need to go into detail on this, just make sure you recruit Scarlett Johansen or Meghan Fox to your team....I highly recommend turning Kiera Knightly away at the door, don't waste either of your time.


4.Subway
I can't decide if knowing a man can eat 12 inches is something manly or.....not manly....but I do know my brother has put the local Subway owner's kids through college with his ability to eat those foot long sandwiches. If they raised their prices you would probably see a very disturbing Francis hooker on the streets of Downtown Naperville trying to earn some money for his next fix. Stock your utility belt with plenty of Subway coupons....if you want to really kill him make it a coupon for a free bacon sub.

5. Starbucks
Though declaring this means I am also telling you the weakness of any suburban mom in America. Understand that if decide to take him down by destroying all the Starbucks he will most likely have an instant army of mothers that drive huge SUVs. Use this weakness only if you are very desperate.

6. His niece Diana
To be honest I do believe that my daughter has already conquered him. She can at any time walk into the room, grab his hand and drag him away to her room where she will hold him prisoner making him read every book, throw ever ball, and play with every doll. If he puts up any resistance she gets big eyed and says, "But Uncle Fwank...." and bam! he's Jello. After telling you this I know you want to borrow her, but guess what....NOPE! I may have told you about this weakness but don't think I am going to give up my secret weapon. Your best bet is trying to get me to join your team, but please be aware that I am quite lazy and egotistical, I don't want to be listening to you whine the whole time.

I realize that I just gave you a bunch of information and in the heat of battle things can be forgotten, so I have made you a trading card to help you bring him to his knees.


If you cannot destroy Francis with all that I have given you, you should give serious consideration to merely texting/messaging/commenting all your hatred to him in the middle of the night. Make sure you use the f-word as often as possible and misspell as many words as you can, doing this may not destroy him but it will seriously irk him.