I saw her across the rink, helping her kids put on their roller skates. I glided over, dodging sugar buzzed kids, enjoying the freedom one can only feel when they have wheels on their feet. My freedom was promptly interrupted when I realized with horror that my darling husband had removed the brakes from my skates.
When he skates he hates the brakes, when I skate my life depends on them.
I ended up folded in half over the short wall, gasping for air that wouldn't come.
Her kids found this funny.
I guess it would count as a win for now.
When I could stand again I yelled;
"You know you can skate too right?"
My throat protested my efforts to yell over the DJ's family safe "rock". I had learned a hard lesson the day before when I attempted to scream at a hockey game with a chest cold. Now I could only squeak and crack.
"Oh, I can't. I'm pregnant."


I hoped that she mistook my slight stagger as clumsiness on skates.
I hoped that she mistook my voice cracking when I said "Oh that's wonderful!" because of my damaged throat.
I hoped that she mistook my hands fluttering around because I'm a spaz.


"Well congratulations! I see some of Diana's cousins coming, I'll see you around the rink!" I skated off, blocking out the Vegas sounds of the nearby arcade. I finally found a hidden corner where I could sit and breath for a moment.
I thought I was over this, I thought I had built my wall strong enough, but I guess I was wrong. Dealing with my infertility has been rough lately. The church is full of babies, large families, beautiful bellies holding life. Not having the second child has made me feel incomplete.
Like when you are suffering from the hiccups and you are waiting for that next one to come.....and it never does. That moment when your body is tensed up, your breathing changes, the anticipation.....

That's how I feel every moment of everyday.

In my corner I finally get a grip, count my blessings, and fix the mask I wear for my public appearances.
It'll be alright.