I hung up the phone.
The urge to throw it, to see it smash into a thousand pieces, overwhelmed me. But it wouldn't do me any good. The problems would still be there and I would be without a phone.
I breathed in, hoping the air would stop the scream of frustration I felt clawing at my throat. I felt so god damn helpless. I could see the shells my friends were becoming....or maybe already were and I couldn't find the right words to make them see.
I knew the people they were, the laughter, the strength...but now....
I wanted to save them but they didn't want to be saved, they just wanted answers, answers that no one could give them. So instead I had to watch them waste away in front of me.
If I ever saw the person that started this I would like to think I would have the strength to do what needed to be done, but I worry that I would be just as weak and ask him "Why?"
No
I KNOW I would be strong enough, because I would HAVE to be. It's on my shoulders to be the strong one now. I'm not allowed to buckle.
And that's why I'm angry. I shouldn't be the one to tell my friends that NO relief will ever be found at the bottom of the bottle. Why do I have to be the one that tells them that their drinking is what's pushing the rest of us away. I tried telling them that this weight was too heavy for any of us to carry, that they needed professionals to help lessen it over time.
My words fell on deaf ears.
Frank saw all of this and after I ranted to him he offered to take me to lunch. I had no appetite but said yes. I needed escape more than I needed food.
We sat talking about our friends' problems, other friends, how our lives were changing. Soon the talk drifted to lighter topics, internet memes, facebook, Diana.
I munched on my BLT, because honestly what problems were NOT solved by bacon, and I realized that suddenly we were adults. Our problems were bigger than school work or dating. They were real and ugly.
But that wasn't what made us adults.
What made us adults was that we could look at these problems and say "I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to hold our heads up until we get there." It was nice to know that when it all got to heavy I had someone that could take me out for a Coke and say; "Save it for Mario Kart so we can go pwn some n00bs."
And pwn them I did.
2.png)
8 comments:
Sometimes being an adult sucks. Especially when it involves friends who are losing themselves.
You can pwn me any day
Too bad I got my shit wrecked on the track that day :(
sigh. my best friend in the entire world is an alcoholic. sometimes we fight about it, sometimes i'm just tired and can't argue with her anymore. she doesn't feel like she's worthy of a good life and it kills me... but nothing that i say gets through and it's heartbreaking because i love her so much.
also, i need to work on this mario cart thing. i have a wii. i have zero skills. bring it on.
mario kart is the jam.
having gone through a spell of addiction.. i can attest to the fact that people going through it aren't going to listen until they've hit total rock bottom.
ditto to pham.
it's possible to love too hard, and when you see those close to you not make an effort to take care of themselves (even with help), it rips you apart.
you are an amazing, amazing woman Rachel.
I'm sure that as things settle and time moves on, that many issues will improve. I've seen it happen before and it can happen again.
You and Frank are very good people to care so much. Maybe you should consider talking to some of the other parties involved?
A well written post, though not necessarily objective. Maybe people should just leave your male friend alone and let time heal. As you said, there are no answers. Only questions that cannot be answered.
Post a Comment